The Bawa Muhaiyaddeen Fellowship

Home : Sufi Library : What is the difference between lust and the attraction between a husband and wife?

Male Physician: Could Bawa please explain the difference between what would be considered sexual lust and what would be considered normal sexual attraction between a man and woman in a marital state.

Bawa Muhaiyaddeen: Ah! That is very good! Human beings feel sexual enjoyment. Other creatures possess it too, snakes, scorpions, etc. All creations, even bees and insects, play these sexual games.

Now when we go to the bathroom, we close the door and perform our acts of nature (urination or defecation) in privacy, unseen to other eyes. If we have wisdom, that is how we will do it. But a crazy person, a madman who lacks wisdom, will relieve himself right out in the open. He will even take off his clothes and stand naked in the street. For such a man, feces is as tasty as rice! He will eat either.

But how will a human being who has wisdom behave? He will realize which situations require him to control himself. Unless his wisdom falters or fails him, he will hold fast to his virtue and good conduct.

Even if sexual desire surges up in him, he will control it. Only when the time is right and the conditions are appropriate will he approach his wife with decorum and fullfil his desire. He will do this in the way of a human being. Placing his faith in God, he will pray to God, reflect on God, and join with his wife with dignity and good conduct. If a human being can act with this kind of restraint, that is the proper way to perform the sexual act.

But if he goes outside the bounds of these codes of behavior if he jumps with the force of a lion, or twirls around like a snake, or bites the nose and neck and tongue like a monkey, or rolls over and over like a bear or donkey or horse, these are the acts of animals. And a child conceived from such acts will be born with the nature of those animals, for it is that nature that will be photographed by the inner camera (to be printed out as the child's form).

So, if a man lets his desire exceed the bounds of his wisdom, that is lust. If, however, he can check and control his emotions so privacy and decorum can prevail, that is the correct way.

Therefore, if he will subdue and control his emotions and consummate his act with restraint and dignity, the result will be good. On the other hand, if he has arrogance and lets his force exceed the bounds and his desire become uncontrollable, that is just lust. If his desire mounts beyond the control of his wisdom, that is what is called lust. What he does with restraint, in the manner described earlier, is the normal sexual act. That is the proper way. That is what is expected of him. But to do it on the street, or in the park, or on the beach, or under a tree, or wherever he feels like it, without being able to control himself, that is blind lust. It is said that lust has no eyes. When lust sees exposed breasts or scanty clothes on the backside, desire mounts and becomes uncontrollable.

When a bull sees a cow grazing, it is overcome with lust and will start licking its backside, and the cow will then urinate. The bull sucks the urine and relishes the warmth. That is the way of an animal. If a female dog is in heat, a hundred male dogs will be around it, one near the head, one on top of it, one under it, and a few at the rear. The male dogs are so overcome with lust that they don't even have the eyes to see where they should approach the female. Such is the lust of the dog of desire. This is animal lust, no eyes, no wisdom. If this state prevails in a human being, he will act with no restraint, like an animal.

So, if a man lets his desire exceed the bounds of his wisdom, that is lust. If, however, he can check and control his emotions so privacy and decorum can prevail, that is the correct way.

Now, take a person who eats many different kinds of meat, perhaps the flesh of a bull, a pig, a snake, a dog, or an ass. He should eat his meat in a place where people usually eat, then rinse his mouth and wash his hands like a human being, and then leave. If, on the other hand, he carries that meat around on his head or shoulders or back, people seeing him will wonder what kind of man is this.

Similarly, if a man, having had his sexual enjoyment, were to come out of the house with his genitals hanging out and his backside bare, he would be considered crazy. Thus, a man must do each thing in the proper place, under the proper circumstances, and then he must emerge clean and respectful. That is the way of a human being, the way of a man of wisdom. Then there will be no bad smells. But if you emerge exposing yourself, it will emit a bad smell. Even animals do not do this. We have to understand this. This is the act called lust. If you act with wisdom, you will join with your wife in the proper manner, with good conduct, and come forth clean and respectful. That will be the normal way.

Doctors in particular should be aware of this, for they often have the opportunity to see the body and backsides of women. So they must have a lot of self-control, lots and lots of it. Because they see the entire body including the backside, they have to be extremely careful. If doctors can control themselves, it will be good, but if their control is not strong, they will be like the male dogs in heat who have seen a bitch.

When a doctor is examining or treating a woman, whether a sister or a woman giving birth, the doctor's eye and his love must look at her as if she were his daughter, or even as he would look at a baby.

Then he would feel just as he would if he were cleaning the baby's backside, or changing her clothes, etc. That is how his eyes should see, and that is the feeling he must have. His thoughts must not go beyond that. Only then is he a true doctor. If he is like a father or a brother to the patient, he will never go wrong. Otherwise, his treatment will go wrong, his life will go wrong, he will lose the respect of the patients, and there will be trouble in his family life. His balance will be off between good and bad. Those who are doctors must remember this. The greatest control has to be on the part of the doctors.

Lust is blind. Whenever the mind sees something, it will pounce onto it, lust will follow, and sexual passion will result. That must be controlled.

Physician: When we walk down the street nowadays, the women are running around essentially naked. There is a certain amount of normal sexual attraction, I think, that a man should or would feel, for a woman who is partially unclothed. Short of, you know, I am not going to grab her on the street. What is a wise man to think?

Bawa Muhaiyaddeen: Take the case of an animal. The entire body is naked. But, every animal has been given a tail, and with that tiny tail it keeps its private parts covered. Only at the proper time will it raise its tail. Even animals use a tiny bit of cloth (a tail) to keep themselves covered. Now the human animal, even though the rest of the body may be naked, also uses a tiny cloth to keep that area covered. So shouldn't you observe that her private parts are being covered and protected by that 'tail' of hers? Should you not realize this and go your way? Even an ordinary human being must say, "That place is being hidden by the tail," and go away.

Lust is blind. Whenever the mind sees something, it will pounce onto it, lust will follow, and sexual passion will result. That must be controlled.

Now, if I were going that way, I would not be looking up or down at the body. I would be looking only at the heart. That is the place I must see, and that is what I would be looking at. I do not waste my time looking up or down. If a person looks up and down at the body, he is not a man of wisdom. What a man of wisdom has to see is the point in the center of the person. That place contains a secret. He will look at only that and go on his way. If he focuses only on the point he needs to see, he will not be affected by desire, lust, or hypnotic fascination. He will not see her as a woman and himself as a man. He will not notice any difference. Nothing like that. He will not peer at her to determine, "Is it a woman? Is she scantily dressed? Is her backside exposed?" And so on. That is ignorance and lust. If he sees the real point he needs to see, he will not notice those other things. So, whoever we come across, we must look at only the heart and then go on our way. That is victory for a man of wisdom.

After all, there is a tail concealing that place. The woman has covered herself with a tiny tail above and a tiny tail below, just as a cow keeps itself covered. Both do the same thing, so why should you be fascinated and desire this? You see this on the streets and a cowboy sees the cow on the farm. The cow keeps that place hidden and lifts its tail only when the need arises. The woman too will uncover it only when necessary. You must reflect on this a little.

I wrote about this in the book called Maya Veeram or The Forces of Illusion, in the year 1942. In times to come, the twelve yards of cloth¹ that a woman uses to cover herself will gradually be shorter and shorter, from twelve yards to ten to eight, then six to five. Later it will be three yards, then two yards, then one, and finally end up as one-eighth of a yard. In other words, only a loincloth will remain. All the rest will vanish. This is what I wrote in 1942 about the state of things to come. I said that a person will be able to see everything exposed.

Only when something is kept covered does one need to open it and look to see what is under it. Whenever something is hidden, we want to open it to see what is concealed. But when everything is out in the open, there is no need for inquisitiveness, because everything is already uncovered and can be seen at once. There is nothing left to find, except the openings from which urine and blood issue forth. What use is there in looking at those? What fascination can there be in that? A man also passes urine and germs. He has urine and blood and a bad smell there too. It is the same for him as for a woman. So they both must cover their parts and go their separate ways.

So desire has to be curbed. A man of wisdom must think about this and say, "Wherever I look, this is what I see, so I don't need to keep looking." When something is covered and hidden, the natural desire is to open it and peek. Once it is left open, the value dwindles. Its worth goes down, and the respect one has for it also diminishes. When something has lost its value, why would you want to see it? It is a worthless commodity.

Doctors especially must think of this. Doctors, gurus, teachers, all of them must think of this. If there is something valuable, something covered and protected, look only for that. Why waste your time on something exposed and worthless?

1. Twelve yards of cloth: a sari. In some parts of the world, instead of dresses, women wrap around themselves long lengths of cloth, called saris. Nowadays even saris are only five to six yards long, instead of twelve yards.